Awesome Fucking Sports

Watching the Home Run Derby on Monday night, I realized something. It sucks. The first round of the derby is bearable, but it’s such a long night, and it drags on for hours. Something has to be done. And after spending a half hour thinking about it, I think I could come up with a way to make the night 100x’s better.  So what I need is Bud Selig to give me a call and give me the permission to tinker with the festivities.  So let’s say he did do that. Here’s the way you make All-Star Monday Night something worth watching.

The first thing is simple, get rid of Berman. Chris Berman is horrible. I understand he may have been influential at one point, but his time has passed.  He’s the most annoying announcer ever.  He slobbed the dick of Pujols all night.  He was giving “WAAAAAAYYYY BACK!” to homers that barely made it out. But Fielder hit one 497 feet and he was too busy talking to Pujols.  Getting rid of Berman will already make it watchable.

The next thing is you have to change it from a Home Run Derby and take a clue from the NBA and make it a skills competition.  So what we do is split it into 6 competitions. Two teams take part in the competitions.

The two oldest All-Stars serve as “Team Captains.”  They grab microphones, go out to the pitcher’s mound, and we pick teams the playground way. Every All-Star is available to be picked by either captain.  Alternating picks, both captains select 9 players (7 fielders and 2 pitchers)

The competitions cover speed, defense, power, contact, and pitching.

The 1st competition is easy enough. One player from each team participates.  It’s a timed run around the bases.  Which ever player rounds the bases fastest wins the round.

The 2nd competition is the pitching accuracy competition.  Like the NHL shot accuracy competition, 6 small targets are placed in and around the strike zone. Each pitchers pitches until they hit each target. Whichever pitcher does it in the least amount of pitches earns their team a win.

The 3rd competition contact hitting competition.  One player from each team bats.  The field is seperated into 7 zones: left field line, left field, left-center, center, right-center, right, and right field line. Players have hit the ball, in the air to each zone.  They then have to hit home runs to right, center, and left field.  Whoever does the feat in a quicker time earns his team the victory.

The 4th competition is for outfielders.  3 players from each team line up in the outfield positions, all about 225 feet away from home or so.  A net is placed at home plate that is opened in a semi-circle. The players than alternate throws, meaning the left fielder throws, then center, then right, towards the net.  Whichever teams accumulates more balls in the net in 3 minutes wins.

The 5th competition is the fastest pitch.  Very simple as 1 pitcher from each team goes to the mound and gets 3 pitches. Whoever throws the hardest earns their team a victory.

And the 6th competition is the 2 on 2 Home Run Derby.  2 players from each team participate.  Each player gets 10 outs.  Both players from each team combine their home run total. Which ever team has the higher total after 20 outs wins the round.

Round 7, in the event of a 3-3 tie, goes back to the first round with a timed race around the bases. The only difference is this time, each captain picks the player who is going to run for the other team, it must be someone who hasn’t participated in an event yet.

So there you go. That is a 2 hour event I would love to watch.